On The Home Straight (Of the Highway To Hell..)

Okay, highway to hell is probably a bit strong, for a club in no real danger of relegation. But the road Newcastle United have been taking this season is one of those winding country roads which has turned into a dirt-track, with no sign of a street light, road markings, or any visible route back to civilization. At the same time, there appears no direct threat, no wild animals, no cliff edge, no howling winds, no snowstorm - just a slowly dwindling tank of gas, with nothing more than a thin blanket in the back seat to keep warm, and a small supply of water and tinned food.

That is the situation Newcastle, as a going footballing concern, finds itself in. A reported fourth straight year of profit, £19 million to be exact, will see the moderately-priced champagne corks popping in the Mike Ashley boardroom, as the same trotted out lines of investment and ambition are dusted down for another year. The only investment will be of the feeding with one hand while taking with the other. The taking has already happened this season, given the nudging out the back door of Davide Santon and Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa on similar deals. The first 11 picks itself, not because they are quality squad members nailing down their place in the side, but because the personnel management has effectively jammed their square pegs into the gaping round hole. In some cases, the pegs are positively hexagonal. The decision to leave two 30-something centre-backs with nothing approaching senior cover has led to the already stretched full-back resources spread even further, leading midfielders to drop into said full-back roles, and what happens when they get injured? Papiss Cisse getting shoved into midfield? The already tiring Ayoze Perez shoved out on the wing?

It is not an exaggeration to say that a starting 11 worth of players is an absolute must this summer. That needn't require top-four levels of scouting, just careful, considered scouting. And not just from France. Newcastle's one-trick pony system of scouting has come somewhat unstuck over the last year or two, in some ways because there is so much reliance on it. Nothing of note has come from the academy of late, bar Paul Dummett, who actually could have a future at centre-half, based on performances this season. But again, injured. Some those farmed out on loan to our some-time stepbrother club, Rangers, could probably have been integrated into the team slightly more. Promise had been shown, but successive managers have chosen to rely on perceived solid pros, despite most of the time being nowhere near any relegation danger. Giving academy youngsters a tryout, such as the loaned-out Remi Streete at centre-half, would at least pique a bit more interest in the results of the club. All there is to play for are the hopefully slim chances of John Carver's glorified caretaker role being made permanent, and each defeat, as a fan myself, feels no different to a win at this point. A severe shaking up is necessary, as sooner or later that cliff edge could come closer and closer, and this time with no safety net.

Magic Of The Cup Being Ignored

One sub-plot to Bradford's tremendous 2-0 victory over Sunderland was the lack of care seemingly given by the TV networks. You would have thought that after a stunning 2-0 defeat-turned 4-2 victory over Chelsea, the destiny of English cup football's most prolific giant-killers would have warranted a bit more interest. Instead, Aston Villa v Leicester, Arsenal v Middlesbrough, and West Brom v West Ham were deemed more worthy of a large audience. Considering none of these provided, or were ever really like to provide, big upsets, why not Bradford v Sunderland?

Bradford's own run to the League Cup final in 2013 was further proof that great things can still be done. Phil Parkinson clearly does something right when approaching these games against supposedly superior opposition. The visit of a misfiring Sunderland outfit would have seen the Bantams licking their lips, and so it proved, as the Black Cats were swept aside by an enthusiastic display of a side who know they can beat the best this country has to offer.

Sometimes a plucky and limited underdog playing with heart can be better to watch than a fatigued superstar, which is what Arsenal talisman Alexis Sanchez has been of late. All too often lately, English football has resembled a vending machine. Pay millions of pounds for that one generally thought of as "world class" player, give the ball to him when at all possible, and then moan when they get injured, bemoaning the fact that you can no longer compete. All managers are guilty of this, even Jose Mourinho last season was constantly belittling his side, with the "little horse" remarks. Yet this season, with unquestionably a stronger squad on paper, his side were still dumped out by Bradford.

What will never die in football is the ability for any one team to beat another on any given day. That is not a quality that is exclusive to the FA cup, or any supposedly superior league. Count how many times the Premier League is hailed as being the one true "competitive" league in Europe. Top-notch marketing, ensuring the TV deals grow larger and larger. Well guess what, Germany has that too. The fact that Dortmund are only now just emerging from the relegation zone, having finished second last season, and champions not long before that, shows that football as a whole will always retain the ability to surprise.

Unfortunately, in today's age of the "star" player, more people are always going to tune in to see the big guns turn in listless displays, than a full-blooded tie featuring a club who won't do the tricks but will get the heart racing. And yes, before you ask, I will be cheering on Preston tonight.

Here Comes The Carvalry

First of all, apologies for the dreadful pun. The alternative was to imagine Newcastle's season as some kind of all you can eat carvery scenario. And that don't fit in no headline, luckily for my ten readers (I know, optimistic..)

Speaking of optimistic, I am fully confident Newcastle will ride the crest of any temporary sort-of Geordie honeymoon period now that Carver's sort-of appointment has been confirmed. The teamtalk however has already come from Steve Bruce, who has claimed the Toon need to be careful they don't slip into relegation danger... like him. All we need is Lee Clark to weigh in with his two cents and the Geordie triangle is complete. They can't get their own teams to win (or in Clark's case, not lose a half 7-0) so maybe it's written in the stars for them and their hometown clubs!

Now that my comedy routine is over, in all likelihood, Ashley's latest gamble will pay off, as long as the appointment of someone of high calibre is genuinely to be attempted. As questionable as Carver's credentials are, anyone with half an ounce of coaching ability can keep this squad in the division, particularly with an eight-point head start. Pardew would have done it and confidence in his reign wasn't exactly brimming. My own prediction is that there will be no comings or goings in the dying strains of the January window.

The problem is, the excuses that have plagued this sorry saga so far can easily come into play in the summer. Unless we have some kind of binding arrangement between ourselves and the preferred candidate, he could quite easily slip through the cracks and be snapped up by one of the numerous other more attractive ownerships to work for. Remi Garde is a likely candidate, Frank de Boer being of a far too proven ilk that would lower themselves to our level. While he would certainly whet any appetite, the danger is that anything other than an attractively-achieved top-half finish will not be enough for a fanbase that grows more and more disenchanted by the day. Even if the safety finishing line is limped over (there is no way it will be pretty, nowhere near the now fanciful top-half target), Ashley is testing already thin patience.

While we're at it, well done to Carver's predecessor, Alan Pardew. He took some well-deserved stick but is now cramming it down throats in a similar vein to when he was boss. Life is always a rollercoaster under him, but I'll wager Palace fans would have taken our ride over their's in recent years. Pardew has his fairytale end. Will Newcastle get one?

City Have Not Been Frank On Lampard Situation

For such a multi-national and slick operation as Manchester City, why has it taken until now for the confusion over Frank Lampard's move to be cleared up? The BBC headline, back in August reads as follows:

"Frank Lampard will join Manchester City on loan from New York City FC until January, the English club's manager Manuel Pellegrini has confirmed."

Surely this wording had not escaped City officials? Maybe they did not envisage the arrangement lasting as long as it has, and therefore not clashing with the MLS season, but in the interest of full transparency, would a simple statement clarifying that Lampard was a free agent not have been the prudent thing to do? Or were they as equally in the dark, given that they too referred to it as a loan deal on their website?


Fans Stateside of the co-owned New York City FC are now left feeling betrayed, and for the joint owners, Manchester City, and the New York Yankees, this can only go down as a damaging PR disaster before a ball has even been kicked. It all comes across as a rather grubby episode, particularly when taking into account the Financial Fair Play penalties that have been imposed on City by UEFA. They may not have breached any rules over this, but a contracted Frank Lampard would certainly not have been a free deal. Even a loan fee for a season, from any other club other than New York City FC, would have been quite substantial, given the tremendous worth he has brought, and will continue to bring, throughout this season. It is no over-estimation to claim that City would be trailing Chelsea on points without the 36-year-old's important performances and goals. For the Etihad giants not to be fully in control of their PR and media operations regarding this arrangement will surely not have gone unnoticed at UEFA and will have raised a chuckle or two.

Speaking of PR gaffes, PFA leader, Gordon Taylor, inexplicably found it appropriate to compare the plight of those involved in the Hillsbrough disaster to the post-conviction troubles of ex-hopeful-footballer Ched Evans. Had I been drinking anything at the time of seeing this news I would have spat it out all over my screen. Someone as experienced as as Taylor should know so much better than to pick such ill-judged lines. Again, this is not to take any specific sides in the debate as to whether Evans should play again, as there is merit to both arguments, but to so carelessly antagonise such a huge section of the sporting world, not to mention those who have suffered terrible hardships in more clear-cut rape cases, is surely a matter to consider resignation over. It is one of many statements from the footballing world in recent times that demonstrates an out-of-touch mindset.

He may have a responsibility to professional footballers seeking work, but Taylor also has a responsibility to guide footballers in the right way. Instead of going to such great lengths to defending Evans, he should have recommended a much quicker apology than the one that emerged after two clubs had also shelved offers of a contract. It would not undo the horrible actions that he committed, but it would show a clear willingness to learn from mistakes and paint himself in a more self-aware manner, one that might be more palatable to the general public, who have stood in the way of his continuing employment in professional football.

Various topical football ramblings!

So Newcastle, after four years of Alan Pardew's glorious leadership, are finally in that no-mans-land of caretaker-ship, with John Carver trying to emulate Garry Monk. In fairness, Monk seamlessly carried on from the good work of both Michael Laudrup and Brendan Rodgers, with Carver doing a pretty good Pardew impression himself so far. All is well!

Back in reality, Remi Garde and Christophe Galtier are among the managers on the Ashley hitlist, with Graham Carr's French fetish seemingly extending to managers. I keep saying managers, my bad - Head Coach. It can at least be applauded, the honesty. After seasons of speculation and Pardew working with tied hands, in a way this is a step forward. Any new incumbent knows exactly what they are in for. I've always thought that a decent coach would have done far better, and this is hopefully the time where that "wisdom" can be backed up.

In other French news, Arsene Wenger has finally buckled and signed a defensive midfielder. What's that you say, he's 17? Not to worry, he'll fit right in. One can only hope that Krystian Bielik is a titan beyond his tender years, as the Gunners sorely need some defensive steel. Or any kind of steel. At 6 ft 2, it's a good start, although the niggling feeling remains that this will be a signing for a future Arsenal manager to benefit from, either via a massive sell-on fee, or the maturing of a hopefully crucial piece of the title-challenging jigsaw.

The tearful Steven Gerrard eulogy is in full swing, with Scousers up and down the land spewing forth gushing words of the time where he walked on water, before turning this water into wine, drinking it, and beating up a man outside a nightclub on CCTV. In that order. It seems conveniently forgotten that, while he has contributed some useful goals this season, most of them were either from the penalty spot or the various free-kick spots (not to knock those spectacular occurances). Gerrard is worth remembering and appreciating, as he enters the Elvis stage of his career in LA, but Brendan Rodgers should see this as an opportunity to finally open up a key spot in a midfield that has been severely lacking in energy at times this season. If he even survives the season and summer.

As Ched Evans continues on his merry way around the various lower division clubs, cap in hand, Oldham are the latest club to tell him, yes, then 80% maybe, then no. Leaving aside the moral quagmire of whether he should be allowed to play football for a living again, surely Oldham in particular should have known what they were getting themselves into. That their board of directors/management thought their fanbase would be any more forgiving than that of Evans' former club was naive, to say the least. It is unforgivable that those board of directors, and one of their daughters, were threatened in quite explicit terms, but it should never have been brought to that stage. A word of advice to any club thinking of signing Evans - do it 100% behind closed doors, announce it, and live by the consequences. To invite public speculation into the matter will see the same sorry saga rumble on and on.

Gerry The Octopus

Time for some predictions!

Burnley v Southampton

This is probably going to be tighter than it looks. Southampton rolled in to town at Aston Villa a couple of weeks ago and were expected to blow their at-the-time beleaguered hosts away. Since then, Burnley have shown signs of life to claw themselves into contention for survival. Southampton, by contrast, are battling for survival in the big battles at the top of the league. Champions League football seemed on the horizon not so long ago and even after one point from four games, the Saints remain handily placed in fifth.

Graziano Pelle broke his barren streak against Man United and while Southampton can have few complaints at defeat, given their profligacy in front of goal, they may find opportunities harder to come by against a well-drilled outfit here at Turf Moor. However, their own defence has remained relatively tight, with only Manchester City really blowing them away.

0-1

Chelsea v Hull

This one will not be tighter than it looks! Hull are in the form of relegation candidates. The signings which were supposed to add a bit of flair to last season’s relegation-dodging, cup final-reaching Tigers have instead coincided with a huge slump in form, which in truth stretches back to the end of last campaign. Hatem Ben Arfa is out in the cold, yet will be relatively warm in the stands while he contemplates another missed opportunity, but it is those out on the pitch who must arrest the slump of no wins in eight and no more than two shots on target in the last six league games. Gaston Ramirez will at least give a bit more class to the midfield on his return from suspension.

There’s not much you can say about Chelsea. Despite their invincibility being breached by Newcastle’s cow last weekend, they reminded everyone of their quality by dispatching Sporting Lisbon 3-1 midweek. Diego Costa will be in the mood to silence critics of his recent form, while Peter Cech will be looking to keep a clean sheet on a rare appearance in goal. No Cesc Fabregas would be disastrous for most teams, but Eden Hazard will sense easy pickings as Chelsea aim to cement their place at the top.

3-0

Crystal Palace v Stoke

Not the most attractive looking of fixtures on the card, Crystal Palace would bite your hand off for a scrappy 1-0 win as they look to edge further away from danger. Neil Warnock has reprised the sort of spirit that Tony Pulis instilled last year to drag the Eagles from trouble and there has been some wonderful counter-attacking football at Selhurst Park, not least to pile on the misery for Liverpool in the 3-1 win.

However, Stoke have caught the eye themselves, with Bojan really starting to turn on the style. Victory against Arsenal has almost come to be expected over the years, but if Stoke want to progress into a European-challenging team they must learn to win these sorts of games. Mid-table seems inevitable for this year, but Mark Hughes will want more, starting with three points this afternoon. That may be beyond them, but it may be a surprisingly entertaining encounter.

1-1

Leicester v Man City

Could this be the game where Leicester upset the odds all over again? Their thrilling 5-3 victory over the other Manchester team was supposed to be the catalyst for Premier League domination, but instead only two points from 30 have seen the Foxes plummet to rock bottom. Along the way, boss Nigel Pearson has found himself on the wrong side of fans as it all threatens to go horribly wrong.

They will not be expecting much against a Man City side with the best away record in the division. Victories against Southampton, and more recently, Roma, to book their place in the Champions League last 16, will ensure confidence is sky high. Last week’s results will remind them that the title is still possible if they can keep up their own form. Sergio Aguero has not been missed as much as you would think and even if fit, you suspect he may have been rested for this one anyway.

0-2

Sunderland v West Ham

Here we have another litmus test for West Ham’s European ambitions. Sunderland are a side who have frustrated many superior opponents in the past 12 months, but their game plan will be interesting against a Hammers side who rarely come out all guns blazing away from home. Andy Carroll has re-discovered his golden touch lately and Diafra Sakho is in contention for a return to the side.

Sunderland will be expected to get at the opposition and give the crowd something to get excited about. Five goalless draws already this season is not something to get bums on seats. The danger for the Black Cats is that a more attacking game plan could play into Sam Allardyce’s hands. Counter-attacking is his new forte, and you’d fancy his side to outscore their hosts, with Steven Fletcher not in the most ruthless of form this season.

0-2

West Brom v Aston Villa

Alan Irvine and Paul Lambert may exchange wry smiles this afternoon. Both have felt the pressure in recent weeks and while Lambert appears out of the woods for now, Irvine is in desperate need of a win. The Baggies are sliding and Saidio Berahino needs to re-discover his form. Aston Villa are not the worst of opponents to try and arrest a slump against, but Villa are often better away from home.

Lambert will be delighted with their recent revival and they lie only four points off the top six, which seems astounding given their start to the season. Christian Benteke was the scourge of Albion last season, and he may push yet another West Brom manager ever closer to the trap door.

0-1

Arsenal v Newcastle

This is a battle between two teams with horrible injury lists and another two managers who’ve experienced the ups and downs of security in their job. Arsene Wenger seemed secure as ever after his FA Cup win, while Alan Pardew looked certain to be fired over the summer after a woeful first half of 2014. Now, roles are reversed. It would take a brave man to predict Wenger’s departure any time soon, but an equally brave man to put money on him remaining for next season.

He is perhaps fortunate to be facing a Newcastle side who will be shorn of their midfield talisman Moussa Sissoko. He is the centre of their counter-attacking style and goals have not been easy to come by for the Toon, aside from the return to form of super-sub Cisse. It will be a tight game, but Arsenal should edge this one.

1-0

Man United v Liverpool

This will be quite the full-blooded encounter and with Steven Gerrard approaching the twilight of his career, he will relish the opportunity to get at what remains a shaky United defence. Raheem Sterling will also be licking his lips. The trouble is, there remains little other threat in the Liverpool arsenal.

In further troubling times, Liverpool’s defence is just as leaky. Robin Van Persie and Wayne Rooney will fancy their chances against a defence manned by the unconvincing Simon Mignolet. Mario Balotelli is fit for the visitors, but you could argue what difference that even makes, given the Italian’s lacklustre start to the season.

2-1

Swansea v Spurs

To round off what will be an entertaining Sunday is two teams who will be aiming for Europe next season. You could argue that Spurs fans are sick of the Europa League and want more glitzy encounters, while Swansea would happily take their place in the much-maligned second European tier. One point separates the two going into the weekend.

Swansea will see this as a test of their own ambition. With Spurs coming off the back of another un-welcomely interrupted midweek tie, this should be the perfect time to strike. Wilfried Bony is having another strong season and Spurs will have to wait another week to haul themselves out of their mid-table rut.

2-0

Everton v QPR

Given the fact that Everton rested most of their first-team in the mid-week Europa League defeat, fatigue should be no excuse here, even for an ageing team such as theirs. QPR’s away record is what will keep them endlessly fighting against the drop, and away to Everton is a time to dig in.

Ross Barkley should be fresh and ready to take on Harry Redknapp’s men and Everton need points badly. Sitting in 12^th, if they do not put a run of form together soon they will need to win the Europa League to get back into Europe next year. This should be a good place to start however, but a scrappy game could be on the cards.

2-0

Calm Before The Storm

As we trundle towards Christmas, there is no manager whom you could safely predict is one game away from the sack. In an age where trigger-happy chairmen have been vilified by sections of the media as impatient and clueless, and the awful ‘look how much time Fergie was given’ cliché is wheeled out every few weeks, the only managerial departure so far is Tony Pulis and that was very much of his own volition.

Alan Pardew, dead man walking eight weeks ago, is now man of the hour, if not quite manager of any months. Big Sam Allardyce rides high in third place after showing a previously unfathomable ability to play something other than hoof-ball. It is great to see, managers adapting even in their later years. Not every personality is as fixed as some people like to paint. It’s easy for anyone writing about a football manager to revert to a character, as if sport is a sitcom with a satisfying narrative where no one ever changes. I can imagine Pardew and Allardyce had a chuckle over the very same points last week after the match. Well, maybe Allardyce was a bit more in the mood for a joke having stolen the points.

Football being an extremely political game, any manager with half a chance of surviving longer than two minutes must surely develop the thickest of skins. If you make the wrong subs, you’re clueless. If a sub works wonders, why didn’t he start the game? Win all your games and it’s all down to the players. Lose all your games and you’re the worst person ever, let alone manager. Brendan Rodgers is being hounded closer to the exit door after the Luis Suarez departure, yet wasn’t there a stat floating around last season which showed Liverpool had a higher points average without the hungry Uruguayan? Perhaps Daniel Sturridge was equally as essential to the Anfield attack? The 3-0 drubbing of Tottenham with Sturridge in the team and playing with ten men (well, Balotelli WAS playing) is Liverpool’s sole bright spot this season. Yes, the Suarez money could have been spent better, but that’s just it. It’s not the lack of Suarez, it’s the poor transfer window and inability to get the best out of what players are there which is costing Rodgers. He may get the time to turn it around and he probably will eventually, even if this season ends up a write-off.

Unfortunately, some managers don’t seem to help themselves. Arsene Wenger thought he had ridden out the storm after fending off Hull in May’s FA Cup final but he merely raised expectations one last and possibly fatal time. January will be Wenger’s last throw of the dice for some Arsenal fans. As a Newcastle supporter, I hate to say this but Moussa Sissoko is a must-buy for the ailing Londoners. You can buy all the forward flair in the world but if you’ve lost the battle in the centre then what’s the point? On second thoughts, Yohan Cabaye please. He’s already ex-Newcastle and he can put a foot in rightly!

As for Paul Lambert, Alan Irvine, Harry Redknapp, and all the other bottom-half dwellers, they will bounce from crisis to crisis, hopefully learn a thing or two along the way, and reach that point where the pressure becomes second-nature. This season is becoming one of managerial resilience. Cue the inevitable mass-sacking which renders this article as useful  as a chocolate teapot.